


Train of Thought

by chirrups



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Broken Moirallegiance, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Sadstuck, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, ask for tags if i missed one i dont wanna reread it lmao, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 19:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16878021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chirrups/pseuds/chirrups
Summary: Davesprite decides to lay down and think about all the shit that's gone wrong in his life.





	Train of Thought

A lot has changed in a short amount of time.

 

Enough that even as you try to remember how things were just a few weeks ago, you can’t truly capture it. It slips through your fingers as if it was the finest grains of sand. Like a rabbit through a hole in the net.

 

_ Everything is different.  _

 

You don’t really think you are, even as yet another year ticks by. You feel like you’ve been stunted, unable to grow any longer. (You’d make a joke that you’re too long already, but you can’t bear the idea of it. Of  _ yourself _ .)

 

This past month you’ve been dragged around through a lot, it’s probably been the worst month of your existence. It’s funny how that bar keeps getting raised.  You worry it’ll rise again, and really,  _ truly _ , hope it doesn’t. This was hard enough.

  
  
  


Now, you’ve mostly left the life you had in the past. Packed your bags, said your goodbyes, and tried to move on. Actually, you’ve moved quite a far ways to stay on this island. You  _ know  _ this isn’t coping, that at best you’re merely running away from what hurts you, but it’s the best you’re capable of.

 

The island is big, secluded, and empty. It has this weird way of reminding you of home… 

Your first home. Where you grew up not as Davesprite, not as fake Dave. No, you were Dave Strider, and you were just another kid caged by the hustle of Houston. 

 

Surrounded by people, cars, pets, businesses, surrounded by  _ life _ . Still, even then, you felt as isolated than you do now.

 

Your life before the game wasn’t the best, at all, yet sometimes you find yourself missing it.  You long to be home, yearn for the days of being  _ you _ .

 

More than that, however, you miss your friends. The ones you grew up with, the ones that died horrific deaths, and the ones you had to leave behind.

 

You miss Rose, her advice, and just her in general. She would know what to tell you, and you wish you could hug onto her and tell her how much she means to you, how she’s the only family you need… 

 

You’d dare say that sometimes you miss your Bro. It’s not really him that you want, it’s the person your young mind made him into. You want someone who cares about you above all others, loves you and cares about your well-being.  _ Y _ ou want _ a parent _ .

 

You know there’s a good chance that isn’t who he was, not for even a moment, but these thoughts are pushed far back into a dark part of your noggin. You fear you’ll fall apart, once and for all, if you  _ ever  _ accept them.

 

Maybe you just desire what your brain thinks is normal. You never did come to terms with it all, you lack that moment of acceptance. It’s been bottled up, locked away so carefully… Or, well, it  _ was _ .

 

Everything seems to be spilling out, lately. After the death of your moirail, it was like something just shattered, and you’ve been crumbling ever since.

 

Those thoughts aren’t good to sit on, you know this much; but lately, you find that it’s exactly where your mind wonders. Right back to that train. You wish you could stop it, scream at the conductor to yield and let you off, but that’s something beyond your abilities. You’d beg him to, cry and sob and plead, you  _ have  _ done just that, but it  _ never works _ .

 

Rose would know what to do, how to help you put an end to all this hurt and misery.

 

You believe, however, that if you ever did run into Rose again, you’d be too scared to speak to her. What would she say if she saw you now? The words your brain suggest are horrible things. 

  
You’re unsure which is more upsetting: that you imagine her saying those things, or that, in truth, they’re  _ your  _ words.

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for the read !!  
> this was originally written for a specific RP on flarping.com but i didnt really wanna put it on there since it ended up a huge vent  
> whoops?  
> :)))))) anyhow thank u kiddos n thumbs up if ur on flarping bruh


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